Old Friends

Who says MySpace has outlived its usefulness? It was instrumental in allowing a beloved friend from my raver days to find me. Amongst the happy smiles and catching up was the sad news I had to share about my brother being killed. This friend used to work with him years ago and it came as shock to her. With the two-year anniversary of his death having just passed, it's been a hard rest of the night for me.

gamas te eh degado de querer

January 2011 was the last time we talked and I didn't know if he was alive or dead. His last login date was August 16, 2011 and, despite my willing that date to change each time I looked, it didn't budge. Was he lost again in the hills of Tijuana, trying to make his way back to me? Back to us? Had he found a job? A new love?

Then, on March 10th, 2012, the date changed. One week before the three-year anniversary of his departure from me, from us, from U.S.

I sent him an offline IM and prayed to gods I don't even believe in that he would reply. Prayers answered:

me gustaria verte de nuevo gamas te eh degado de querer regresare a sandiego cuando este aya te veo tambien te llevo dentro de mi corazon

"I've never stopped loving you." How can these words have brought me to tears? Drops of relief, of love, of hope. Just words. Words I've heard for three years. And yet he never comes.

Three years ago today he went away and still I mourn. My new boyfriend and I will be celebrating our two year anniversary this June. And still I mourn.

Alone

I have lived by myself for a year. I have survived. I don't like it, but I have survived. And I will keep on going, keep moving forward, knowing that my biggest fear came true and I did not crumble.

MOTHER'S DAY

I love my mom. She really doesn't deserve it, but I do. Call it Stockholm Syndrome, call it "battered wife" syndrome, call it crazy, I love her. But enough is enough. I have tried. Really. Given her time. Called her on the phone. Sent her cards. Forgiven her *over* and *over* again. Reached out to her *again* and *again*. Bought her gifts, wrote her checks, even. But to no avail. So, today, Mother's Day 2009, I am officially giving up. I am going to stop trying. Burn my bridges. Sever ties. Goodbye, Mom.
====================================================================

This is e-mail I received from my mom:

MOTHER'S DAY
Since I'm still not over the whole "write about your mom and post it on the internet" deal, I would rather not see you on Sunday.

-----------------------------------------------

This is what I wrote her back:
Re: MOTHER'S DAY
Okay. Happy Mother's Day anyway.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And this is what I am writing here:

Are you FUCKING kidding me? No. Really. Are you FUCKING kidding me? You tried to hit me with a phone when you were living in *my* home, being taken *care* of by me when I was in *daily* physical pain, and I write a blog post months later about a nightmare I had in which you were throwing things at me, a dream that pushed me into a months-long depression, and YOU CAN'T GET OVER IT?!

YOU can't forgive ME?!

YOU can't get over THAT?!

I FORGAVE *YOU*!

You, who broke a plastic flyswatter on my ass.

AND I FORGAVE YOU!

You, who left me on the side of a freeway like a piece of *garbage* and drove away.

AND I FORGAVE YOU!

You, who drove into a deserted shopping mall parking lot, 15 miles from home, and told me to get out and then BIT ME (bit me!!!!!!!!!) because I couldn't get out of the back seat of the VW Bug that YOU were sitting in the front seat of and you wouldn't move up the seat.

AND I FORGAVE YOU!

You, who chased me with a BUTCHER KNIFE and I had to run out of the house to an open field to save my life.

AND I FORGAVE YOU!

You, who beat me so black and blue that my sixth-grade gym teacher called Child Protective Services and I spent that weekend in a "facility" for abused children.

All this was before I was even, what, 10 years old!

AND I FORGAVE YOU!

You, who smashed my clock radio on the bathroom door I locked just in time to save myself from yet another beating (I got reprimanded for that, remember? Because *I* broke the clock?!).

AND I FORGAVE YOU!

You, who called me a slut when I was STILL A VIRGIN.

AND I FORGAVE YOU!

You, who told me, "I don't think what I did to you was abuse."

AND I FORGAVE YOU!

You, whose "mothering" skills so TRAUMATIZED her three children that, to this day, NONE of us have kids.

You, who after two years of living in my home, accused me of somehow engineering it so that you would be "helpless" and I could get revenge on you for all these things, telling me I wasn't doing a good job of taking care of you, while I was cooking all your meals for you and checking on you every two hours to make sure you were okay.



And, despite ALL that........I still wanted to spend Mother's Day with my mom. Still wanted to spend it with YOU.

And because of something I wrote FOUR YEARS AGO in a fucking BLOG POST, under a PSEUDONYM,

YOU CAN'T GET OVER IT?!

Well, guess what? I am. I am over it. I am over you. You don't have a mother anymore. Now, neither do I.

Tag, You're It!!

Angel has tagged herself:

40_is_the_new_30

anime
art
artdeco
atheist
austen

beauty
blogging
blogs
blonde
blueeyes
bookclubs
bookcrossing
books
bridgetjones
brunch
btvs
buckvbell
buffythevampireslayer

california
chanel
chicklit
chocolate
coffee
colinfirth
cupcakes

dailyshow
dancing

eating
esfj
evanovich

fashion
flowers

harrypotter
helenfielding
homestarrunner
hugging

internet

janeausten
janetevanovich

kathygriffin
kissing

lefthanded
lefty
libra
literature
love
luismiguel

magazines
moulinrouge
movies
music
myspace

nintendo

pancakes
pizza
prideandprejudice
purple

ranma
reading
rejuvenile
relaxing

scrapbooking
shag
shopping
sims
spanish
stacylondon
starbucks
stephanieplum

tall
tea
teengirlsquad
television
thesims
thumb_tribe_oyayubizoku
travel
traveling
truth
tv


videogames

whatnottowear
wii
writing

Kim Jong-il has the bomb. How do you grab someone's attention?

How are you gentlemen !!
All your base are belong to us.
You are on the way to destruction.

You have no chance to survive make your time.
Ha Ha Ha Ha ....


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