Dreaming a Nightmare



Current mood: depressed

I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie and getting a little depressed. Last night, I woke up suddenly at 4:30 because my mom was throwing a full cup of Coke at me and screaming, her face contorted with rage. The plastic cup was clear, much like the real-life curvy Coke glass in my kitchen, but the Coke was solid. When she threw it at me, it didn't splash. It also didn't hit me, because I started awake before it could. Gee, subconscious mind, whatever could you be trying to tell me?

Recently, I wrote about the Sims being a contributing factor in my decision to ask my mom to move out of the apartment. I hinted that there were other factors involved (of COURSE! Good golly, I wouldn't ask her to move if it had only been about that!).

I wish I could say that last summer she got violent with me and that's the reason I wanted her gone by November. That's not true. The weirder truth is that she got violent after I told her. When she didn't have to pretend to be nice to me anymore. Okay, not immediately after. A week after. But she got so angry that she threw the phone at me. And her lamp. And half of the objects lying within reach. She accused me of plotting to harm her when she was "helpless". Said she'd been "warned".

You know, I think part of her wants me to take revenge on her for the child abuse -- physical, mental, emotional, verbal -- that she heaped upon me all those years ago. Because we both know she deserves it for what she did to me.

Oh, she apologized afterward for that morning's tirade. Contritely. Tearfully. Just like she used to do when I was a kid. Except now I see it for what it is. Except now it makes me sick.